What do I want?

Day 4 of the Vulnerability Challenge: What do I want?

When someone asked me this question earlier this year I almost cried.  Because I realised that I didn’t know.

Two year olds have no problem expressing exactly what they want.  How come I do? I only need to open a magazine or check out Instagram to work out what someone of my age/gender/ethnicity is meant to want… which kind of relationship, house, lifestyle, colour, handbag, lip gloss.  

But what do I want?  

Even as a child, I was never interested in a particular job or material possession (except Rainbow, the unicorn My Little Pony).  But I’ve always been fascinated by how ordinary people become heroes, what dragons they slay along the way, the struggle and triumph.  

I’m obsessed with how people give meaning to the seemingly insurmountable obstacles they face.

Nelson Mandela said of his years in prison, “I went for a long holiday for 27 years.” Then he became president of the nation.

And I realise that what I want is that ability… not to become president but to take the most difficult things that happen and turn them into drive and desire and a greater striving for excellence.

Seizing that ability is not only the hero’s journey.  It’s the definition of power.  

  • Power: ability to act or do
  • Powerful: full of the ability to act or do… despite (and because of) the circumstances

The kind of powerful that I want to be doesn’t depend on other people. It isn’t about domination and control. It’s simply about filling myself up with all the things I can do instead of all the doubt that tells me I can’t.

I want to use all of the anxieties, fears and barriers that I perceive and instead of pretending they don’t exist, create a space to play with them (that’s probably why my crafty subconscious named this blog a playbook). Instead of running away from worry and doubt, challenging them to a pillow fight.

Instead of focusing on my limitations and all the things I don’t have or haven’t done, I want to fill myself up with the ability to act, to turn things around, to make them mean something and turn me into a better person.

What do I want?

I want to be powerful.  And I want to help other people to be powerful too.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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