Day 9 of the Vulnerability Challenge: What am I holding onto that I need to let go of?
The girl under the stairs. The hidden little secret. The one who isn’t good enough to be seen.
The shame of feeling that I wasn’t meant to be noticed had been visceral since my teens but the first time I put a name to it was when a popular friend of mine was plucked from our team to go on a work trip to South Africa… then Australia… then South Africa again by a manager who had selected based, he admitted, on his personal preference for colleagues who looked like my friend not me.
So it was true… I wasn’t meant to shine because I wasn’t good enough and there was nothing I could do about it.
In response, I did something I’d never done before. I challenged the manager. From girl under the stairs to someone who stood up to authority and questioned the transparency of the decision making process, I became a seeker of justice and an artist when it came to complaining and blaming.
This is what I’m holding onto and what I need to let go of
I have to let go of the story of the girl under the stairs and the scrappy, righteously indignant one who rescued her. I’m so grateful to both because they got me here to where I am today. But that’s not who I am or how I want to think of myself any more.
Only by letting go can I resolve the major conflict that’s holding me back… the conflict between the story of shame and hurt and anger, the story I’ve told about my past, and the story I’m beginning to tell about my future… a story about change and growth and transformation.
Letting go of who you’ve been. Letting go of the versions of yourself that looked after you and did the best job possible of keeping you safe isn’t easy. You need time to grieve because it’s a loss. It feels ungrateful. It’s painful.
But it’s also your future asking you to shed an identity that you needed to bring you here. It’s a dream bigger than you can imagine asking you to give up security so you can create and evolve.
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