What do I feel shameful about?

Day 20 of The Vulnerability Challenge: What do I feel shameful about?

I feel shameful about thinking I was entitled to a particular kind of life… a life without struggle, without other people’s judgement and my own.

I attributed so much of what held me back when I was younger to ‘no one’ recognising or seeing me, to the attention I paid to other people’s problems.  If they hadn’t had so many problems, I’d be who I was meant to be.

Now I realise that everything was my choice.  Every time I chose to help someone then feel resentful.  Every time I expected from someone else what I was unwilling to find in myself.  Every time I expected generosity but withheld in some way. Every time I expected to be picked instead of putting in the hard work.  

I have been a student of privilege.  I’ve fought it wherever I’ve found it.  But I’ve often failed to recognise it in myself.  

I’m ashamed of that.  

But I think shame has value because it’s the last refuge of the secrets that keep us apart.  Once the light touches it, it dissolves and what’s left is the raw honesty, truth and vulnerability that can connect and heal us.  

So although I’ve been privileged and entitled, I also hope that my quest to recognise it helps me to do better now.  As Maya Angelou says

“when you know better you do better.”

Oprah Winfrey quoting Maya Angelou

I hope that by speaking this shame, I can learn humility and humility can teach me respect and respect can help me become a better student and teacher on this journey to the impossible future I believe we will create together by always seeing first the humanity in each other.

Photo by Raphael Brasileiro on Pexels.com

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